Tuesday 24 July 2012

Midnight pondering

Why do people act the way they do sometimes? It does my head in. I'm sure I'm guilty of the same actions (or lack of) that have me so frustrated tonight but knowing and acknowledging my own faults shall be for another post. Tonight, I vent.
I love people. I do. Passionately. I am fiercely loyal by nature, and love to help or serve those in need. I give of myself a lot. Not because I want or expect anything back; but because I want to. It's how I show my love.
But sometimes, Occasionally, it would be nice to get some of that care, concern and loyalty back.
Example: my husband is nearly through with a month away in another country. I will not lie; it has been tough. I've been lonely. There have been times when I cried buckets simply because my support hasn't been here. I've missed him with every fibre of my being. What has made it worse is, the people I support the most, the ones who depend on me, haven't made much effort to support me....there were a few hugs on Sunday at church. And one friend has had me over three times. (I think if she hadn't I might have lost my mind.) a few random texts saying "hope you're ok" but no response when I admit that actually no, I'm not ok. Even my house mate has managed to be especially distant and grumpy. Normally he is a lovely lovely guy. I love him dearly. But my loneliness and need for support seems to have pushed him away. Which I get. The very last thing any guy wants is a needy woman around. But would it be SO very difficult to maybe make a bit of effort? I know. I sound like a whiny child. But I feel so very alone tonight. I feel like I get used a bit. Perhaps I should do less for people? No that's not the answer. I know it's not. Nor is becoming mrs cynical trust no one, let no one in, the answer. That would certainly be easy in the short run.
There is, as I'm sure you've been thinking, the fact that I do have Jesus Christ. The friend who is always there. Always supportive. Always listens. And always says exactly what I need to hear. And. He genuinely cares. About me. And knows exactly what it is I need. I understand all of that. But I also understand that God made me as I am. He made me with the personality I have that needs people. I just wish tonight that He would influence someone to reach out and hug me. And love me a little. And just show they care. Because tonight, I'm lonely. And hurting a little. And could use a little support.
I'm glad I've got no one following this blog...,glad its secret. But it helps sometimes, to write what cant be said. . Next time will be more cheerful and less selfish! Promise!

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